I have always had problems with self-esteem. It started in grade school. My family was poor and I wore hand-me-down clothes and ugly glasses with thick lenses (there weren't spiffy glasses for kids when I was young). Other students made fun of me and teased me. They were mean. I believed what they said about me was true, that I was ugly and worthless.
My parents weren't well-employed and they weren't cool parents. My dad had to drop out of school in 6th grade and my mom in 9th grade so they could work on their families' farms. They didn't have many friends; they married very late (Dad was 40 and Mom was 29) and they only met because my aunt introduced them to each other. They had poor social skills and they passed that on to me. I only had a few friends, and that was because they engaged with me first. I was sure that the only reason they hung out with me was that they felt sorry for me.
Even though I attended a bigger high school with students from different cities, my high school social career was just as bad as my grade school social career. I didn't have the hand-me-down clothes or the ugly glasses anymore, but I hung out with the misfits. I didn't go on any dates, nor was I asked to the prom. The kids from grade school still were mean to me. I was so glad when I graduated from high school. I hoped things would be better for when I got to college.
Our family attended a United Church of Christ during my childhood and high school years, and it was the church that my mother's family attended. The UCC is a mainline Protestant denomination that doesn't believe in being born again. I was baptized (sprinkled) as a baby and I went through confirmation. I thought I could feel the Lord's presence occasionally, but I didn't have a real relationship with Him. One night during my freshman year in college, I was very depressed. I was at the end of myself. I cried out to the Lord to come into my heart, that I needed Him, and He answered my prayer. I later discovered that when I prayed to God that I had been born again. I used to be very shy, but I got more confidence in myself. I was a totally changed person thanks to the Lord living in me.
When you are born again and become a new creation (see 2 Corinthians 5:17), your inner self becomes different. The Holy Spirit lives in you and the love of Christ radiates through you. You are a child of God and you are no longer worthless. You want to be around other Christians to be friends with them and fellowship with them.
As born again Christians, we are to live in the world, but not be of the world. As Paul wrote in Romans 12:2: "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." People should be able to see that there is something different about us, and Paul wrote of this in Philippians 2:15: "that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world."
It took a few years, but the more I spent time in the Word, in prayer, and in Bible-believing churches, my self-esteem issues began to disappear. Yet, something happened recently that set me back in my struggles with my self-esteem, This year was the 40th anniversary of my high school graduation. I had been going back and forth in my mind about whether or not to attend the reunion. I had gone to the 10-year reunion, but my classmates were still very cliquey and didn't want to hang out with those were not in their cliques. The possibility of attending this reunion weighed heavily on me until one night, I literally cried out to the Lord. I was worried about what my classmates would think of me. How would I answer questions about my kids, and did I have grandchildren (I never will)? And why I had never left my hometown? Those questions weighed heavily on me. The next morning during worship, however, I received an impression from the Lord telling me that I was not to worry about what my classmates thought about me but about what He thought about me. That gave me the confidence to go ahead and make plans to attend the reunion. I shopped online to find a nice shirt to wear to the reunion. I finally found one, tried it on and bought it.
My classmates greeted me and my husband at the reunion, and I spoke at length with some of them, but after a while, they all started hanging out in their cliques again. The hubby and I were left alone for a long while. There were photos taken for the class Facebook page and when I saw the photo of me, I was very sad. That new shirt I bought that I thought looked nice on me in the mirror didn't look good on me at all in the photo. There's a reason that the photo of me on this blog hasn't been changed in years and that's because I don't photograph well - well, at least I don't think so. My body is like that of my German farmer ancestors - short, wide and (now) with more weight around the middle.
The reunion was three weeks ago and I'm just now getting to the point where I can write and think about it without being very sad and depressed. I know this was an attack by our adversary. When you are confident that you are a child of God and in His love for you, and you start feeling bad about yourself, it is an attack from Satan. Whenever I start feeling this way, it shows that I need to spend more time in the Word and in prayer to chase away the enemy. Put your mind on Christ and not on yourself. As Paul wrote in Philippians 4:8: "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."
It all boils down to what is the most important thing, as Paul wrote in Philippians 3:8-9: "Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith." The most important thing is your faith in Christ and that you are a child of God.
I hope I didn't put you to sleep with this long blog post. Thanks for reading! See you next time!
Diane
